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In this episode, I speak about changing other people. I have two core ideas about this in the episode, but before getting to them I want to give you some background on where all of this comes from.
I’ve tried changing a lot of people. I’ve wanted to have an impact on people for as long as I can remember and hence tried a variety of people to change their behaviours, thought patterns and sometimes values. I’ve read a bunch of books on the topic, tried and tested stuff.
In all of the cases where I’ve been successful. Scratch that. In all of the successful cases I’ve heard of the core has been a relationship. Coaches have formed a relationship with their coachees. Mentors have formed relationships with mentees. And of course, friends form relationships with friends.
That’s the beginning of the change. An impact in the relationship. I’ll give you an example.
I was a coach to a kid who didn’t go to school for almost one and a half years. He was crippled by laziness and hopelessness. We started working, and for the first six months we basically only spoke about cars (I don’t know shit about cars, but he loved them), what candy we like and what burger joint was the best in Malmö.
Not a word about school. Not a word about his other relationships or any of the thoughts weighing on his mind. I didn’t have the relational capital to do that. He didn’t trust me.
Slowly we started talking about the heavier stuff. Slowly. School. Relationships. Getting in shape. He started trusting me. He came to me, I didn’t even have to bring them up.
When I wanted to put my foot down, I could. Because we had a relationship. One day I waited for 45 minutes on him without a response. We’d set a time to meet up and he didn’t show up. The next time we saw each other, he apologised. I could see that he felt ashamed in a way he’d never shown before. Because we had a relationship.
None of the change in him came from me being angry or incentivising him unduly (I did bribe him with ice cream every once in a while, but that’s part of the relationship).
That’s what I mean by focusing on the relationship. Challenge the other person, sure, but make sure you have the relational capital first. And that the other person is on the same page.
→ Change what you can change and let the rest be
At the core of this episode is this graphic:
The blue part being you, the red part being someone else. The purple part being your relationship, the overlap between the two of you. When we speak about changing other people, my experience is that we often think that the red part is what needs change, or that that’s where impact can be made.
I strongly disagree. The relationship need to be there before anything else, and it’s from that purple intersect that you can work.
→ Get the early adopters on board
If you’re trying to introduce change in a group of people, make sure to find the ones that are positive to the change you’re presenting. There usually is someone. When those are on board, they’ll be on your team, and the change will be a lot easier. It’s simple as that!